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Conservatives announce new sea-level rise response

RALEIGH – Bowing to new and overwhelming evidence from the scientific community and the powerful impacts of recent catastrophic weather events, North Carolina conservative political leaders announced today that they are willing to accept the reality of sea-level rise, while at the same time proposing a plan to deal with it.

“It does appear  that some coastal tidal patterns have started to shift slightly,” said State Senate President Pro Tem Phil Berger. “And regardless of whether this is the result of direct intervention by the Almighty or, as I believe, over-regulation of offshore drilling which has prevented ocean floors from subsiding to their appropriate levels, it does appear it’s time to act.”

Berger went on to say that he and colleague House Speaker Thom Tillis will introduce legislation during the 2013 session of the General Assembly to be entitled the “Personal Water-Level Mitigation Choice and Responsibility Act.” Under the multi-faceted proposal, individual taxpayers would, among other things, be able to establish tax-free savings accounts in which they would be able to shelter income for future use in dealing with coastal storms and rising seas.

“Say you want to put stilts under your house or convert your car into an amphib vehicle,” said Tillis, “under our Choice and Responsibility Act, you would be able to take charge of your own plan for dealing with Mother Nature without any meddlesome bureaucrats telling you what to do.”      

Tillis said the proposal would also include new incentives for energy companies to burn more fossil fuels (what Tillis called “energy byproducts”) in an effort to boil off excess ocean water. 

“Instead of the same old collectivist, big government proposals, we want to promote new, innovative and entrepreneurial solutions,” said the Mecklenburg county lawmaker.  ”Under our proposal, we will work closely with the coal industry to launch a new high-tech solution known as the No Ocean-water Allowed Here project or ‘NOAH’ for short.”  

According to Tillis and Berger, the NOAH project contemplates a new public-private partnership in which the state would help establish a rail network that will permit the rapid delivery of vast quantities of coal directly to the coast. The new law will also cede large tracts of public beach directly to Duke Energy so that it can establish a network of devices known as “marine super-evaporators.” These huge boilers will be used to burn massive amounts of coal in order to convert billions of gallons of sea water into steam that will, it is hoped, fall harmlessly as rain in drought-plagued regions.

“It’s really a win-win,” said Tillis. “Duke will also be able to use the coal ash produced by the super-evaporators as free material for beach re-nourishment in and around homes that are willing to pay for it.”

When asked for his response to the proposal, Governor-elect Pat McCrory said that he was still studying all of the details but that he was was optimistic that it would win swift approval. “We need to unleash the private sector to solve our problems,” said the former Charlotte mayor. “As long as the proposal includes tax cuts for our largest corporate citizens, I’ll probably be for it.”

McCrory did say that he was hopeful the proposal could be amended to include an idea developed by his staff under which some of the steam produced by the super-evaporators would be piped back to the Piedmont region of the state for use in natural gas fracking.

McCrory this part of the plan would be called by the HAR-DI-HAR, which stands for “Hot Air Recovered and Directed Inland for Healthy Acquifer Reduction.” He said that this initiative would be headed up by environmental experts at the John Locke Foundation and Pope-Civitas Institute. “No one in the state has more experience in producing and spreading hot air,” said the Governor-elect.      

(Photo courtesy of Think Progress.)

10 Comments

  1. Lisa

    November 28, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    Please tell me this article is a work of humorous satire and not about actual legislation.

  2. James

    November 28, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    This would be funny if the reality weren’t so horrific. The inmates are most definitely now running the asylum.

  3. Rob Schofield

    November 28, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Thanks guys. Writing these kinds of posts is one of the only things that keeps me sane in this world of right-wing climate change denial insanity.

  4. HunterC

    November 29, 2012 at 7:38 am

    I could laugh a little more if I didn’t think these fools would actually try some of this stuff.

  5. Todd Gatts

    November 29, 2012 at 8:04 am

    I’m a pretty strong progressive, but I’m not a big fan of satire like this. Please label it as satire at the beginning so I don’t read most of it before realizing it’s false.

  6. michael

    November 29, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    it is truly hard to believe that the citizens of NC have elected such buffoons. my only warning to anyone is to NOT buy beach front property. the seas are rising and are going to continue to rise regardless of the demigods in Raleigh. my only question is where did these morons attend college? did they have even one science class while in college? maybe we should rethink the requirements to vote in America. Issues are far too great to allow piddle brains making decisions.

  7. Frank Burns

    November 29, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    James,
    The report you referenced is a bogus UN alarmist report. Remember the UN has an agenda. Stefan Rahmsdorf, the author has sea level amnesia. By his own numbers, sea level slowed down 3%. http://notrickszone.com/2012/11/29/stefan-rahmstorfs-sea-level-amnesia-using-his-own-numbers-sea-level-rise-actually-dropped-3/

    I recommend you read the recent report issued by NOAA (US agency, not UN) which was released with little fan fare. This past summer, NOAA quietly issued a report recalibrating the satellite records of sea level rise over the last 20 years, and ended up with a net result of 1.3mm/year, which amounts to 5 inches per century. http://ibis.grdl.noaa.gov/SAT/SeaLevelRise/documents/NOAA_NESDIS_Sea_Level_Rise_Budget_Report_2012.pdf

    1.3 mm per year. That’s not a whole lot.

  8. Rob Schofield

    November 29, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Just to be clear, this story is a parody, people — believable at some level I’ll grant you, but still,at this point, a parody. :)

  9. david esmay

    November 29, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Once again Frank digs deep into climate change denier cesspool and pulls out German resident and America ex-pat wacko Pierre Gosselin and No Trick Zone. The same moron who claimed “atmospheric changes on all nine planets explains the cause of global warming, as the sun is stupid.” Get off the tin foil hat addiction Frank.

  10. Alex

    November 30, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Sounds like david ventura has discovered another conspiracy !