Dear NC Senate,
I am writing to thank you for your courageous vote  to punish the poor. I think believers from all major world religions would agree that people who can’t get what’s theirs should have millstones tied around their necks until they can. Just like Jesus said. Your vote forcing needy people to pay up front for their own drug testing before they can receive benefits that might allow them to feed their children is both bold and righteous. I know that our state program, Work First, primarily aids children, and I am so glad that you were not swayed by logic or compassion when you decided to add to the delays and bureaucracy that keeps those kids off welfare. And food.
You were brave to stand up to conservatives who would say that smaller government that is both streamlined and stays out of people’s lives is best. Because it is truly better to use government as a cudgel to punish those who would rather not see their children starve. Sure, 68% of our state’s Work First cases last month were child-only cases, but that is no reason not to expand government and possibly violate the US Constitution. People who call the drug testing you have required of Work First applicants “suspicionless” are obviously misguided. Children who are hungry and can’t pay for food are clearly suspicious. And the US Constitution is just standing in the way of our freedom to create a state religion and leave the union over Obamacare. So, really, you are intrepid, and I thank you for it.
Now I have come to a difficult point, but one I must make. Of the less-than-one-third of NC Work First cases that are not child-only, many are single-mother families. This is bad and wrong and such families are deserving of special scorn. Taking up to $100 from that kind of woman is just the sort of gallantry I expect from the inestimable NC Senate. The fact that you will allow her to get it back if she can actually pass her drug test demonstrates more mercy than is perhaps wise, but who am I to question you? I am just a female, and can’t expect to keep up with the 31 benevolent white males who voted for this measure. Lucky for me, I have such role models in the NC Senate! A whopping eight women serve in that august 50-member body! I believe that extra thanks are due to the four (all white, YAY!) female senators who voted for this kind and not at all punitive bill. These women, for such I must inevitably call them, are demonstrating another great truth, that it is OK to have a vagina as long as you are ashamed of it and remember to penalize other vagina-bearers whenever possible. Their wisdom and courage in shaming poor women and children is harder won than that of the men who supported this. Some people believe that women are more compassionate and caring, particularly when it comes to children, but these four ladies really show us that lack of a penis doesn’t have to keep you from spiting the poor and preventing their children from eating.
To the worthy members of the Senate who voted for this with malice aforethought, I offer my heartiest congratulations and thanks. Huzzah!