Hey Guv, if you’re really serious about excluding potential terrorists…

Pat McCrory 2Dear Pat,

Regarding your recent pronouncement that we will no longer accept Syrian refugees, all I can say is, WOOOH! Yeah! Sing it, girl! Speaking truth to the powerless, that’s my guv! I mean, I don’t think it sounds terribly legal, but you were so brave and forthright, telling traumatized families to continue to wander the earth because you’re all about the safety of North Carolinians. Babe. That is so … potent. So virile.

Which brings me to a point you may not have considered. Now that you can tell people they can’t live in the state (cool superpower, bro!), you have an opportunity to exclude a truly dangerous class of people. It includes 100% of the Paris terrorists, 100% of the 9/11 hijackers, approximately 99% of all mass shooters, and roughly 90% of all murderers everywhere. Can you guess who it is? Can you, Pat? Hint: They’re not all Syrians. They’re not even all Muslims.

Violence doesn’t have a religion, a nationality, a color, or a creed, but it does have a kickstand. Do you get it now? Men. They’re all men. As soon as we stop accepting men, we will be exponentially safer. Won’t that be righteous? Everyone shall know of your commitment to the security of our citizens. Think how strong you’ll look when you make this stand for the old North State. You’ll represent the future, Patty Mac. Isn’t that what every governor wants?

The establishment of the Matriarchy in North Carolina could be your legacy. We’ll have to work out the rules, of course, about what it means when you say that certain people can’t come to the state, but there’s plenty of time for all that. (I know you’re thinking we’ll need all that time and more because the ladies can take a good long while making up their minds, amirite?) I don’t want you to worry that there will be no place for you, Pat, there will be exemptions and exceptions, and anyone who has been neutered by the Legislature should be a shoo-in.

You’re shaking your head like this don’t make no sense. It does, however, make more sense than excluding Syrian refugees because of an attack in which one Syrian seems to have played a role. See, Pat, I’m suggesting this because it’s a chance for you to prove that you’re not picking on people fleeing a brutal civil war. God, no. You wouldn’t do that. You just need us to be safe.

I can see I’m not convincing you. I wish I could say I’m surprised. But you’ve always struck me as hewing closer to the spirit of our state motto than to its actual words. My Roman ain’t too good, but esse quam videri comes from a longer quote about how many fewer people would choose to be virtuous than to seem virtuous. That’s just basic Cicero, Pat, not foreign baloney.

All I’m saying is, think about it. Once you’ve started down the road of excluding those who might someday in some way possibly be a threat, it’s pretty clear who you need to keep out. This is a real opportunity for you to be strong, not just to seem so. I’m available if you have questions, I know it’s a lot to wrap your pretty head around. Call me!

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