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Conservative lawmakers to introduce omnibus Biblical inerrancy law

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(Warning: this post is a parody — though the fact that we have to make that explicit probably says something about the current state of things in North Carolina.)

In an effort to build on the warm reception they received this week to their introduction of the “Uphold Historical Marriage Act” [2]a proposal that seeks to once again ban same-sex marriage in North Carolina [3] in direct contravention of the U.S. Supreme Court based on a specifically cited directive in Genesis that “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” — conservative state lawmakers announced this morning that they are laying plans to introduce omnibus legislation to give numerous other key Bible directives the force of state law.

According to Rep. Harley Smidlap (R – Moab) the legislation will be entitled the “Bible is Inerrant, But Leviticus Especially” Act or “BIBLE Act” for short. “We thought of simply introducing the whole Bible itself as a new and separate chapter in the General Statutes,” the veteran lawmaker observed, “but we knew that the printing cost on that would have been pretty big so we decided to keep things simple for now.”

Smidlap was joined in his efforts by Sen. Homer Noodleman (R – Hazor). According to Noodleman, the overwhelming need for the BIBLE Act became apparent when he and several other conservative legislators were drafting the proposed marriage bill. “When we looked at Genesis the other day, it suddenly dawned on us that there are all sorts of divine commandments that North Carolina law is flouting,” the senator said.

When pressed on the fact that numerous directives in the Bible appear to conflict directly with established principles of constitutional law, neither Smidlap nor Noodleman expressed significant concern.

“I’ll admit that there are some things we’ll have to work out,” Noodleman conceded.

“Yeah, like the whole re-institution of slavery thing. We understand that’s not gonna’ happen overnight,” Smidlap added.

Both lawmakers, however, expressed confidence that the recent confirmation of Neil Gorsuch to the U.S. Supreme Court could pave the way for dramatic constitutional changes in the very near future.

This sentiment was echoed by Sally Subservient, a lawyer for the conservative advocacy group, Christian Religious Advocates for Zero Yielding (C.R.A.Z.Y.).  “Justice Gorsuch is an constitutional originalist,” Subservient noted. “And, obviously, the Old Testament is original as you can get.”

Smidlap and Noodleman indicated that details of the Bible Act are still being finalized in the General Assembly’s bill drafting office, but did provide a preview of some of what it will contain. Among the specific provisions expected to be included:

Spokespersons for groups dedicated to the separation of church and state were not immediately available for public comment on the proposed Bible Act, this afternoon, but one lobbyist, speaking on the condition of anonymity did observe that she would try to adhere to the directive contained in Proverbs 26:4 (“Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.“)