Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: #MoscowMitch


In these terrible times we must cling to things that restore joy to our world-weary souls…visiting a waterfall, picking daisies in a meadow with a giggling grandchild, sharing a banana split with a sweetheart, watching Mitch McConnell’s jaw clench til his molars turn to sand when protesters call him “Moscow Mitch.”

Yes, it’s the little things.

I’ve decided Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Neptune), is the root of all evil. Not Trump, because he’s just a bloated puppet who says stupid stuff all the time. I swear when Trump said he could end the war in Afghanistan by killing them all (boom!) but didn’t want to hurt all those people and then looked around like, “What? Where’s my Nobel?” I realized he truly is an imbecile. That was no earthquake in Cali that week, that was a tremor generated by heads hitting desktops as a thousand highly respected military strategists marveled at such an exquisite example of dunderheaded-ness.

You look in the dictionary under dunderhead-ness and, well, you won’t find it because, obviously, it’s not a real word but if it were, it would look a lot like Trump.

But Moscow Mitch? Yeah, he’s the real deal.

The swamp has been drained, says Trump, so how is it that the swamp’s biggest, scaliest, most malevolent creature is left behind? Having Moscow Mitch in charge of monitoring decency and democracy makes as much sense as letting R. Kelly own a chain of after school daycares. (She said she was 12; she looked like she was 14…)

While you could argue calling someone such a slanderous name amounts to bullying (somebody wake up Melania!) I think it’s OK, when it’s this treasonous pile of Kentucky horse poo.

The moniker “Moscow Mitch” is trending like #metoo, #goals and #trumpsadunderhead (OK, I made that one up) after a boost from an increasingly agitated Joe Scarborough of “Morning Joe” fame. And it’s driving McConnell nuts. After all he’s done for us, this is the thanks he gets?

That’s a legitimate question. Let’s take a gander at some of Mitch’s accomplishments.

For starters he has blocked legislation to help prevent Russia from interfering in the 2020 elections.

He’s greased the wheels for a high-ranked Putin friend to do unprecedented levels of business in the United States, that same oligarch pouring millions into a Kentucky company that used the services of former members of Moscow Mitch’s staff. Yeah, that sounds totally above board.

AND, he has fought every piece of gun control legislation—including a call for universal background checks that has wide bipartisan support. Moscow Mitch has refused to bring that bill to the Senate floor even though it passed the House in February or, as I like to call it, exactly FOURTEEN mass shootings in the United States ago.

The Senate is taking a wholly undeserved vacay this month plus Moscow Mitch broke his shell, er, shoulder in a fall over some patio furniture so I guess that means further inaction will just have to wait.

Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times-bestselling author and columnist. Visit


  1. R. Ayers

    August 18, 2019 at 11:08 am

    Love this piece

  2. Crew Mom

    August 19, 2019 at 9:54 am

    Great piece, but Jeff Sessions worries me more because he’s beavering away at horribleness away from the public eye. Have at him, Celia!

  3. Vickie Ryan-Barr

    August 19, 2019 at 2:44 pm

    Celia, this column is Genius. but I guess (or at least hope) you know that.

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