Commentary

Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Trump hates dogs

And then there were… I dunno, 15, 18?

Lapsed lanky frat boy Beto O’ Rourke, he of the earnest f-bombs and ubiquitous rolled-up shirt sleeves (ready to work for you!) has dropped out of the prez race.

As Trump gleefully described it, “he dropped out like a dog.”

Yes, because that’s what dogs do in Trumpland. You fetch, roll over for a vigorous tummy rub, do something unspeakable to a table leg and finally decide you don’t have enough money to run for president.

This was just the most recent in a barrage of anti-dog rhetoric employed by the president. Like “nasty” as his go-to playground insult for women he finds threatening, “like a dog” is frequently hauled out for the gents.

And so, naturally, when mega-terrorist and bonsai aficionado Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was killed last week, he “died like a dog,” according to Trump.

What does he mean by that? Did Baghdadi eat a bad sock? The obsession with condemning behavior as “like a dog,” goes back to the days when Trump was just a wee huckster on a reality TV show, according to “Slate.”

When a candidate for the coveted role of “The Apprentice” failed to make the grade, he or she was “fired like a dog.” Which, as “Vanity Fair” recently speculated begs the question if Trump understands what dogs actually do.

In other words, most don’t technically work, so it’s not like they can ever be “fired.” Sure, you can—and should– say “bad dog!’ or similar when bowser eats his own poo or similar but you’re not going to say, “You’re fired! Good luck living off your 401k Mr. Skittles!”

Only a few truly working dogs—vested as it were—actually go about the laudable business of leading their sight-impaired owners through city streets or their brain-impaired owners through the aisles of Home Depot, a store so relentlessly dog friendly I wouldn’t be surprised to see them set up dog-rental kiosks at the entrance right beside the shopping carts. How is the average American consumer expected to shop for solar lights and elongated toilet seats without a dog? Seriously, I want to know.

The truth is, Trump has always used dogs to illustrate the lowest of the low in behavior and performance. It’s his ultimate mic drop slam. Repeatedly, he has trotted out descriptions of so-and-so begging for money “like a dog.”

Yeah, right. I was just talking to my neighbor who has three dogs the other day and he said, “They line up every morning, paws outstretched, beggin’ for some Benjamins. What do they do with all that money? No clue.”

But the question remains, why bash dogs’ character? What did a dog ever do to Trump? Is it because they embody all the qualities he lacks? Loyalty, obedience, a glossy coat?

We’ll probably never know. I blame that old bug-a-boo “limited vocabulary and 3rd grade reading level.” To be fair, Beto’s frequent cussing inspired the same criticism.

Potty language all the time, like a dog.

Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times bestselling author and columnist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.

One Comment


  1. scott braymer

    November 17, 2019 at 2:42 pm

    show me one frat boy that stood up for decriminalizing drugs and ending the war on American people from the white supremacist controlled state of Texas other than Beto, all the way back in 2009 and I’ll grant you your comparison. Show me one frat boy that looked hate driven insanity in the eye and said: hell yes we are going to take away your weapons of war so children might some day be sent to school without active shooter drills in first grade and I’ll grant you your frat boy comparison. Show me a frat boy willing to go into a gun show in Arkansas to try and find common ground at this defining point in our failing constitutional republic and i’ll grant you your lazy comparison.

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