Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Trump and the virus

President Donald J. Trump today instructed Americans to stay home and make their own ventilators.

“It’s true,” said Trump, safely sheltering in place in the cavernous confines of Sean Hannity’s empty head. “That’s probably going to be your best bet for survival. The government can’t do everything, especially with me in charge, to be honest.”

When told that public health officials believe as much as 20 to 60 percent of the U.S. population could become infected with the novel virus, Trump responded, “I don’t read so that won’t hurt me.”

Public health experts are concerned about not only the lack of ventilators for patients who will be hit the hardest but also warn of a severe shortage of intensive care beds.

“No biggie,” said Trump. “We built thousands of cages for brown kids in like a week. Finding somewhere for your weakest, oldest relatives to die can’t be that much harder.

As to ventilator production, Trump suggested it could be a good opportunity for “Shark Tank” entrepreneurs.

“The ratings will be phenomenal. Not as good as “The Apprentice” but pretty good.”

Having answered U.S. governors’ pleas for help with obtaining respirators and ventilators with, essentially, “Go find you some,” it’s being left to the millions of Americans who are now trapped in their homes with small children and mouthy teens to figure it all out.

“It’s simple to make your own ventilator,” said one experienced homeschool mom. “My 8-year- old completed a prototype during a juice box break at this year’s Science Olympiad. Jeez, you’d think some of these parents had never even been in a Hobby Lobby. Aisle 10. Everything you need.”

“I want to die,” said a public school mom who told reporters she hasn’t spent more than an hour alone with all three of her children since 2013, adding: “The one thing positive to come out of this COVID-19 lockdown is that everyone will have new respect for our nation’s teachers.”

Nation’s teachers: “Sorry. Could you say that a little louder? The fool in the back of the room who thinks our workday ends at 3 p.m. didn’t hear you.”

From Hannity’s vast, empty noggin, Trump responded to widespread criticism that his dismantling of the pandemic team at the CDC two years ago delayed a timely response to Covid-19, “Look, Obama liked them, so they had to go. He also likes orange juice so, Florida, head’s up, I’m getting rid of that, too. Also singing on key and marital fidelity. Boo ya!”

Trump denied that he was hoping to fire “shawty” as he calls Dr. Anthony Fauci, who was quoted saying, “I can’t jump in front of the microphone and push him down,” referring to Trump. To which the nation responded: “Are you sure? I mean, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world…”

“I’d fire the little guy, and maybe scarf lady, too, if I’m telling the truth, which I never do, but people say “that won’t look good, sir.” They call me sir, just like that. It’s beautiful.”

Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times-bestselling author and columnist. Visit

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