Commentary

Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Dr. Donnie’s magical COVID cures

Friends, are you plagued by repeated episodes of malaise, dyspepsia and bad bodily humours? Do you suffer from maladies of the spine or central nervous system, lumbago, male pattern baldness, drop-foot, gout, hiccups, flatulency or modern-day COVID-19?

Well, have no fear! Dr. Donnie J. Trump is here. If you live in a battleground state, his medicine show of sycophants will be rolling into an auditorium or arena near you so hide your kids, hide your wife. Kidding! But please do honor Dr. Donnie’s wishes: No masking or SOCIALIST distancing. That’s for the dumb-o-crats.

Come join the fun! SEE the man John Oliver has called a “sentient circus peanut” as he shares his cures for what ails you.

Friends, has your “get up and go” done “got up and went”? Has your libido dried up like a slug in salt? Dr. Donnie T. is here to help, accompanied on stage by the greatest collection of malicious, mendacious and malevolent malcontents seen in recent years. Your Mark Meadowses. Your Bill Barrs. Your Mitch McConnells. Yes, a more malodorous bunch you may never see again in one place (excepting in the prison yard!)

Gather ‘round, now… closer….no, closer….good…and you will learn of the latest COVID-killin’ compounds as recommended by Dr. Donnie T. Is he a medical doctor? Nooooo!! Does that matter? Only if you’re one of those city slicker coastal elites who wants to kill all the po-lice!

Dr. Donnie T. wants you to know your suffering will be over soon. One way or the other.

“It will just disappear!”

Friends, did you look askance when you heard Dr. Donnie T. suggest shining ultraviolet light down your gullet to kill COVID? How about the whole Cloroxing your innards thing? You can’t argue with science, folks. Unless it’s packaged in a wee doctor with many degrees who was booted for being “kind of a downer.”

Dr. Donnie T. has embraced the renegade cures! Like some weird oleander pill that won’t kill you like that “special tea” your MeMaw brewed up for your cheatin’ Paw Paw that one time.

And don’t forget hydroxychloroquine. Sure, using it could deplete supplies for folks who legitimately depend on it for serious chronic illnesses but, well, sucks to be y’all!

But wait! There’s more! Dr. Donnie T. has a couple of cures that have not been cleared by the Socialist Deep State FDA.

“It’s called plasma, folks. I have more of it than most people. OK, more than anyone….so we recycle it from the sick people and give it to you. It’s a little thing called photo-syn-the-sis.”

Still not convinced? No problem! Dr. Donnie T. says “We’re going HERD! It’s way cooler than going rogue. Open the country back up and if you live, you live. And if you don’t, well, I like prisoners who weren’t captured, right?”

But wait there’s more! Dr. Donnie T. has just introduced a little elixir called SPIN. He just authorized spending $250 million to create a “more positive message” about Covid! I feel better already, don’t you?

Celia Rivenbark just can’t even.

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