Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Moving day for the Trumps

MOVING DAY, THE WHITE HOUSE…

Melania: Donald, eez time to go. Wakey wakey.

DT: I’m not leaving. I won the election by 200 million votes. Everyone says so. Please tell the movers to go away…

Eric: Dad? It’s time to go. Look, I know we fought hard…

DT: Who are you?

Don Junior: Dad, we know you don’t want to go but it’s time. Right, Kimberly?

Kimberly Guifoyle: IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. AND, NO, I CAN’T SPEAK IN NORMAL TONES. I YELL EVERYTHING. INCLUDING THE FACT THAT DON JUNIOR LIKES TROPHY HUNTING BECAUSE HE HAS A TINY, LITTLE…

Don Junior: OK, kitten, that’s enough…

DT: But I can’t leave. I won’t leave. The people elected me. My thinking place told me so.

Don Junior: Yeah, uhhhhhhh, about that….

Tiffany: Hey everybody! Where do y’all want these likker store boxes? Over here OK?

Ivanka: What on earth are those for? Tiffany, could you just, for once, look a little less (shudder) poor?

Jared: I think they’re to be used as moving boxes, pet. I remember seeing a classmate at Harvard struggling with several of them on the quad. He was a scholarship student. I laughed at him.

Ivanka: Jared, that sounds cruel and insensitive. I love you.

Kimberly Guifoyle: HEY, DAD, YOU SHOULD PUT ON SOME CLOTHES. IT’S GO TIME!!

DT: I’m not going anywhere. I’m the president. Forever. Period, no backstops, nanny nanny boo boo.

Eric: Dad, please….

DT: Look, I don’t know how you got in here, but you need to get out. Security! Rush! Rudy!

Melania: Ack, Donald. This eez getting ridiculous. The Bidens will be here any minute.

DT: Sleepy Joe? Coming here? (presses fingers to temples and squeezes eyes shut)

Ivanka: Daddy, what are you doing?

DT: I’m mind melding the Proud Boys. They will stop this. We’re going to Make America…

Kimberly Guifoyle: GREAT AGAIN!!!!! THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!DON JUNIOR LEFT HIS WIFE AND FIVE CHILDREN FOR ME. I CAN’T FIND KANSAS ON A MAP. SERIOUSLY. TRY ME. I CAN’T DO IT.

Tiffany: I’m hungry. Where’s the pizza? I’ve never moved anybody that I didn’t get pizza.

Jared: I’m sorry; what-za?

Mary Trump: Hey Cuz! They just let me walk in the front door. Who? Joe and Jill. They love me because I say stuff like how the whole family knows you’re a monster.

Eric: Is that true, Dad? Are you a monster? Monsters are scary.

Joe Biden: Donald? You’re still here? Jiminy Cricket, this is awkward…

DT: Proud Boys! Weird guy wearing horns! Duck Dynasty Guy! Somebody help me!!!!!

Joe: C’mon man. The people have spoken.

DT: Hmmmph. Dead people, you mean….

Secret Service: Time to go, Big Orange.

DT: Was that my code name?

SS: No, but we can’t say the real one in polite company.

DT: Wait! What’s that? He’s acting like a DOG!

Joe: It is a dog. That’s Major. He’ll be living with us.

Tiffany: I got a pit bull on a chain outside my trailer home…

Ivanka: Of COURSE you do…

Celia Rivenbark isn’t going anywhere…

 

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