Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Let your candy do the talkin’

I think the people who make M&M’s may have hit on the perfect way for folks who are too shy to say how they really feel to finally just put it all out there. I first noticed the “M&M’s Messages” candy in the checkout line this week. It’s a normal size bag of M&M’s but there’s a bold-print message on the bag you can’t miss, like: “He wasn’t even that cute” or “Have a great day pretending to do work” or “Congrats on being above average.”

It’s a clever marketing strategy because who among us hasn’t thought: “Dammit, if only there was a peanut or milk chocolate treat that would help me speak my truth!” Am I right?

Most are nice. Ish. Like “Miss your face,” or “You make Mama proud” but I like the slightly edgier ones: “I’d follow you anywhere… in a non-creepy way.” Which, now that you’ve introduced the notion of creepy is most definitely creepy.

Just because the message is delivered by “saucy green” or “affable yellow” M&M, it’s still a tad weird.

But potentially quite useful.

While I’ve never had trouble sharing exactly how I feel — to the point of being invited this week by a COVID-denier to do that which is anatomically impossible — I recognize some of y’all need a little help in this department.

You don’t want to offend.

You hate conflict.

You have to wash your hair.

The M&M’s messages take the candy hearts of old many steps further. I mean, telling someone “I love being socially awkward with you” is way better than “Dear One,” a standard candy heart that now just evokes those emails from the overly friendly widow who lives a few continents away and needs your bank routing information so she can share her $10 million inheritance with you. Dear one. Oh, also your Social when you have a sec. Dear one.

Years ago, we were invited to “Say it with flowers!” but side eye via candy that costs less than 2 bucks a bag is even better. You may not appreciate the sentiment but if you’re any kind of American, you’re still going to rip off the top of that little packet of goodness, throw your head back and open your gullet like God intended.

So, although there are a whopping 36 M&M messages available for you to toss at someone passive aggressively and either run away or wait for them to cuddle with you–depending on message–there’s room for lots more.

Here are some “messages” and intended recipients I’d like to see distributed. You’re welcome Mars, Inc.

Britney to her daddy: “Get a job, ol’ man!”

Kevin Federline to Britney: “We good, though, right B? I mean, who’s going to hire me? I’m in my 40s and still wear cargo shorts, like, to weddings…”

Marjorie Taylor Greene to Lauren Boebert: “With my fame and your brains we could conquer… the abandoned Stuckey’s over on 301.”

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis to Harvard and Yale: “C’mon, guys. You can’t be that surprised. My dorm room always smelled like grilled manatee. WHOOOHOOOO! #floridaman

Harvard and Yale to DeSantis: (huffy) “Yes, and we are STILL trying to get the smell out.”

Andrew Cuomo to every woman who ever worked for him: “You asked for it. I mean, you said, “Good morning!” So, yeah, I licked your face like a collie and said, “nice t–ts.” I mean, how do you greet YOUR mother?”

Kim Cattrall to the cast of “And Just Like That”: Yeah, I can’t eat another bite. Who knew hands that feed you are so filling!”

The makers of broccoli “pizza crusts” to all of us: “Okaaaaay. So we saw you liked the cauliflower and we may have gone a little overboard. OK, a lot overboard…yeah, we’re gross.”

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Her email is [email protected].

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