Weekend humor (and some COVID horse sense) from Celia Rivenbark

I wouldn’t have thought it possible a few months ago but, yes, 2021 is saying “hold my beer” to 2020 when it comes to curious behavior. Why do I say that? Because 2021 will forever be—among  other things—the year a distressing number of Americans chose a dewormer formulated for animals over a scientifically proven vaccine to keep them safe from the severest symptoms of COVID-19.

I can’t believe I have to say this but here goes: If you take medical advice from the excruciatingly awful Alex Jones (the “Info Wars” host who claims “Sandy Hook never happened” among at least a dozen other demonstrably crazy rants) you might want to ask yourself: “What is wrong with my brain?”

Because, trust me, something is terribly, awfully wrong. Now to be clear, human formulations of Ivermectin are highly effective in eliminating parasites. Lives have been saved around the world.

That’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about  two-legged folks stockpiling the Ivermectin specifically formulated for horses because their neighbor’s best friend’s baby mama’s outside child’s second cousin said it would cure COVID.

Taking veterinary drugs for COVID? Just say neigh, spreadnecks.

Besides, how would you get the right dose if you’re using something formulated for a 2,000 pound animal? It’s not like you can borrow Memaw’s CVS pill-splitter for that kind of higher math.

It should go without saying humans don’t need to be taking animal drugs. And while it’s true Ivermectin was tested, along with many other drugs, for possible use against COVID, it came up…useless. Yes, it killed the COVID cells growing in a dish but only in concentrations that would first kill the human. Oh, if only there was a safe, free, scientifically proven vaccine for COVID. Wait. What?

I don’t want to beat a dead human here, but we need to figure out why this Ivermectin nuttery has found so many disciples. Why is it so appealing to so many to believe people like Alex Jones and the pillow pusher with the crazy eyes? There’s no background in science or medicine. We used to say: “You don’t go to a lawyer for a broken leg” but now, maybe we do.

“OK, bite down on this Intellectual Property Law Dictionary and I’ll see if we have, like, a really big stapler somewhere….”

Up is down and black is white in 2021, forever the year of unrepentant crazy that provokes little more than a shrug.

We’re practically shockproof these days so it barely registers when we see a woman at a televised public hearing try in vain to get a spoon to stick to her bosom to prove the COVID vaccine magnetized her.

Or smirking parents screaming “SHUT UP!!!” as a high school student calmly asked his local school board to enforce a mask mandate for safety’s sake. “My grandmother died of COVID,” he said.

“JUST SHUT UP!!!!” chanted the “grownups” behind him.

We read obituaries in which the cause of death of a beloved is COVID and there’s a Gofundme for the children but not a single mention that now would be a good time to GET THE VACCINE.

Our circuits are fried. What’s this? A shirtless man wearing horns and a fur-lined headdress is arrested for his role in the Jan. 6 insurrection and his lawyer says he only did it because he had a major man crush on the former president. Sure. That makes total sense.

Way back in 2020, none of us would’ve imagined people who claim to love the police literally attacking them with spears and then whining when they got arrested? At least own your idiocy and don’t shrink from it like a lil bish. Which, to be clear, you are.

Also, this just in: Stop gargling Betadyne. This is getting ridiculous.

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write her at [email protected].

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