Commentary

Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: The madness of King Donald

THE WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C.—The president of the United States today told First Lady Melania Trump she should leave the United States and go back to where she came from and that she should take her parents with her.

“Turns out, Melania is from a really terrible, terrible country. It’s a place I’m sure most of you have never heard of and it’s called Slovanka. Or something very close to that. I have never been there or if I have, I don’t remember it, but a lot of people have told me it’s a really not so good country and even could be called very bad.”

Reporter: I believe your wife is from Slovenia but she is a naturalized citizen of the United States.

Trump: Look. Ok. It’s like this. A leopard can’t change its stripes or its stars which means she is going to have to go. I will miss her. But, honestly, you know what? Maybe not that much. She doesn’t smile very often, this woman. I like to look at women, I mean not all of them, but the better-looking ones and say to them: “Smile!” They seem to really enjoy that.”

Female reporter: No, I’m pretty sure they don’t. Mr. President, what about your ex-wife Ivana Trump? She also isn’t a native born American, having emigrated from Czechoslovakia. Will she also have to go?

Trump: Yeah, she’s gotta go, too. See, here’s the thing. Many people have said to me: “You know, President Trump, you’re very rich and handsome and smart but your wives are making you look bad because they’re not Americans. I can’t play favorites. If I’m going to deport four mouthy liberal women in Congress, I mean, you know, go ahead with your own life, leave me alone.”

Reporter: Were you just quoting Billy Joel?

Trump: I don’t know. Was I? I’m not sure. Maybe you could look that up and tell me because that would be the answer and we want answers because we are tired of all the questions, so many questions.

Reporter: You do know three of the female members of Congress you urged to go back to their own countries “if they’re not happy here” were born in the United States, right?

Trump: Yes, but they’re brown to I’d say brownish. The people who go to my wonderful rallies, and, believe me, they are so wonderful, don’t like them. My generals finally said: “Hey, just get rid of them.”

Reporter: Your generals? Are you sure about that?

Trump: Yes. Women should smile more, absolutely.

Reporter: President Trump, your own mother was an immigrant. Does this make you think twice about the anti-immigrant rhetoric coming out of the White House?

Celia Rivenbark

Trump: No. Because my mother knew she was going to give birth one day to the greatest president of all time. So, you know, she had to be here in America. It was her destiny. And I was her child. So, I’m, like, Destiny’s Child.

Press Corps: Thank you, Mr. President.

Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times-bestselling author and columnist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.

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