Commentary

Weekend (holiday) humor from Celia Rivenbark: ‘Twas the night before impeachment

‘Twas the month before new year and all through the House
Were rumblings of impeachment: “Get rid of the louse!”
With eyes all a-buggin’, Adam Schiff grew most shrill
When war heroes were mocked up on Capitol Hill

Nunes and Jordan, Trump’s loudest defenders
Pouted when a uniform was worn, ‘stead of suit and suspenders
With military heroes dispatched out the door
Gordon Sondland, Trump’s honor, would quickly restore

But oh, how their hopes did melt like the snow
When Gordo admitted, sure, “there was Quid Pro Quo.”
Who invited him anyway? Republicans hatched a rebuttal
Holiday plans back home they would now have to scuttle

Poring over the witness list, Trumpers detected a trend
Smart women, speaking truth, Oh, please make it end!
Fiona Hill, for example, spoke calmly, just facts
Don’t tell her to “Smile!” Her stare cuts like an axe!

It’s not Ukraine, you sillies, she practically screamed
It’s Russia, led by Putin, alone that has schemed
To destroy our democracy and steal our elections
Putin tells Trump what to do and he follows directions!

In the meantime, subpoenas are ignored, which must be illegal
If it was you doing that, they’d take your house and your beagle
But if your names are Mick, Rudy, Pompeo, Bolton or Pence
You’re above the law–that should make honest folk wince

Now there’s a break in the action, my soap opera resumes
But they’ll be back in a bit, as impeachment still looms
From the House it will go to the Senate one day
Where McConnell will kill it with help from the fray

Our hopes lie not in exposing the wrongs Trumpy wrought
Our hope lies in candidates who the good fight have fought
My dear fellow Dems, let’s not mess this one up
But rather pick the right team, drink from the same cup

Is the answer rich Bloomberg? Oh, don’t make me laugh!
I’ll take Klobuchar, Lizzie Warren, Vice President Joe Gaffe
Let’s be circumspect, not turn one on the other
Or we’ll suffer term two with Trump, Pence & Mother

And speaking of Pence, so pious and preachy
Nikki Haley’s in the wings, Trump thinks she’s just peachy
Will Pence be replaced? He’s buzzkill and weird
And, to just put it out there, I think his wife is a beard

But perhaps justice will be served, and I’m a negative Nellie
Trump will be impeached, tossed out on his belly
All the way down to Florida, the lawsuits will follow
So many, so varied, it’s all hard to swallow

Rick Perry, smart glasses installed but not helpin’
Says God picked Trump so y’all quit your yelpin’.
He’s not alone; there are many who think Trump’s the Chosen
If you ask me, they’re crazy, their brains Elsa frozen

This is a great country, of that there’s no doubt
But we can be better; throw the rascals all out
Let’s start at the top and work our way down
Otherwise, you asked for it: Trump’s wearing a crown

Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times-bestselling author and columnist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.

One Comment


  1. Bill Livingstone

    December 8, 2019 at 7:56 pm

    LOVE your satire! It’s definitely the reason we still subscribe to our. Charlotte Observer. Please tell us, what does “a beard” mean. I can think of several possibilities but wanted to get it from your perspective!

    Keep up the funny business!

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