Commentary, COVID-19

Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Pandemic survival tactics

Captain’s log Day 10 of my confinement…Rations are getting low and I’ve just realized there’s only one more Trader Joe’s ham and Swiss croissant square left in the freezer. Who will get it? Duh hubby who, starved for normal ESPN now charts Coronavirus cases by country with morning updates on whether U.S. is in “bronze” or “silver” category?

The Princess, home from her teaching job across the state and remaining willowy despite consuming far more than her one-third share?

Me, decidedly unwillowy but rather taking on the shape of one of those portable storage units they drop off at your house and then pick up once you’ve filled it up?

Last night, during a low moment, the Princess caught me eating mayonnaise from the jar with a spoon.

“What are you doing?!” she shrieked.

“Hey, you’re the one with the college degree. What does it look like I’m doing?”

“It looks like you’re eating mayonnaise straight from the jar!”

“Give the young lady a prize! Johnny, what do we have for today’s contestants?”

She gave me a worried look and went to look for her father who, it should be noted, puts a box with only ONE ham and cheese croissant square back in the freezer as if it were full like some kind of MONSTER.

Whoa. Gotta shape up. Thank God for these Zoom and Google Hang Out convos with gal pals. This, it should be noted, is the only reason I’ve put on makeup in 10 days of confinement. I’ve only got enough Clinique moisturizer for about 30 days from the look of the bottle and I’m not wasting it on family. These people have seen what I’m doing to mayonnaise after all.

I’m grateful the Princess is home because my tech skills are so low I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to play with my pals without her setting it up. For those who don’t know, you can have a wine party with pals that, on screen, looks like the Brady Bunch opening credits if Cindy and Bobby were holding enormous glasses of Pinot Grigio, that is.

So, yeah, there’s that to look forward to every day.

Like many of you, I’ve decided to incorporate fresh air into my daily routine. Who knew THAT was out there and there’s so much of the stuff? A lot of neighbors had the same idea, which results in a somewhat panicky greeting followed by awkward references to the need for social distancing.

“Hi Celia! Isn’t it a beautiful day today?”

“STAY BACK!!!!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!”

Yeah, that’s going to come back to haunt me once this is over. If it’s ever over. The good news is we’re really reconnecting as a family. The Princess has suggested we hit up our stash of puzzles and board games. I countered with “that’s nice but how ‘bout we binge “Tiger King” instead?”

Somebody’s gotta be the grown-up around here.

Celia Rivenbark is, like many of you, losing her damn mind. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com for an archive of past funnies.

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