Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Back to school with Betsy DeVos

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos

Hey kids!

Let’s learn arithmetic with U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos! Ready? Let’s get started!

Here’s the first question: If Betsy DeVos owns 10 yachts–which is a true fact by the way, and she thinks she can tell you and your families there is “nothing that says that kids being in school is in any way dangerous”– where do you think we should tell her to put those 10 yachts?

Sorry! Just having a little fun here. Johnny! Stop touching Brandon! You have to stay on your red dot exactly 6 feet from Brandon’s blue dot. What do you mean what is red and what is blue?

Oh, well, never mind. Let’s do another math problem! If 25 first-graders spend seven and a half hours in a 900-square-foot classroom, what percentage could contract a potentially deadly virus and take it back to their sweet ol’ grandma? OK, not everyone at once! That’s right! 100 percent! You are such smart boys and girls!

OK, now it’s time to discuss shapes!

Class, does everyone know what a circle is? Good. How about a square? Excellent. What, then, is this shape?

OK, this is a hard one, unless of course you are a member of Betsy DeVos’s family. That’s right, Samantha! It’s a PYRAMID!

What’s that, Luis? Why is it big at the bottom and tiny at the top? Well, I’m glad you asked. Let’s say you run a scummy multi-level marketing company that attracts dewy-eyed dimwits to work very hard to recruit other dewy-eyed dimwits. The more you recruit, the higher you will go up the pyramid. At the tippy top, there’s a family that owns 10 yachts. At the bottom, is someone who borrows his wife’s cousin’s brother-in-law’s pontoon boat every July 4th. He, like almost everyone except the tippy top, grosses about $200 a month selling soap, vitamins and, blech, dreams.

OK! It’s time for current events! I’m going to show you two pictures of actual people who have been in the news a lot this week. One is a world-renown epidemiologist and the other person once hosted a creepy game show called “Love Connection.” Now, class, tell me. Who would you rather listen to when it comes to knowing what to do during a pandemic? That’s right! Dr. Anthony Fauci, not Chuck Woolery. Good job! Now for extra credit, can anyone tell me what president of the United States chose Chuck Woolery? Yes, that’s right. It’s Betsy DeVos’s very close friend, Donald Trump! See how we’ve come full circle here? Wow! I love this job!! I love it way more than my other two jobs.

Boys and girls, we have just a few minutes before socially-distanced lunch in our classroom followed by no recess whatsoever and a half hour of screaming, crying and hitting each other as this news sinks in. And, hey, that’s just us teachers! OK, thank you for your attention and for wearing your masks and not once uttering the phrase “all lives matter.” Y’all, unlike Betsy DeVos, rock.

Celia Rivenbark misses free samples at Costco.

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