Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Trump arrives at an awkward moment

For four years now we’ve listened to Donald Trump crow about his upcoming “really beautiful” health care program. Four years of hearing about a plan so brilliant it would metaphorically roll up Obamacare in a room-size rug, toss it in the trunk of an old Buick and push it off a cliff where it would disappear headfirst into the roiling waters below, never to resurface.

Or something like that.

When the plan didn’t materialize as promised Trump shrugged and asked the nation to just chill, explaining “nobody knew health care could be so complicated.” Who knew, he asked.

I dunno, Mr. President. You mean besides my neighbor’s toddler grandson? Because, yeah, pretty much all of us knew.

That was THREE years ago.

There’s no getting around it: Donald Trump has arrived at the super awkward part of a presidency where he’s running against his own self. He can’t whine about health care being awful because he’s had four years to fix it with a plan he promised was going to rock our world. We would be so gobsmacked with Trumpcare, we’d want to rename all our children after him (and possibly Jared, who worked on it really hard for upwards of a week or so.)

By the time the pandemic hit hard six months ago, still crickets. Not to worry. Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham, who used up his “even a broken clock is right twice a day” when he labeled Trump a “race-baiting, xenophobic bigot” said the plan is going to be released soon and Trump is “pretty excited about it.”

Before you get too excited, “soon” in Trumpspeak is like when you tell your kid “soon” so he will shut up about going to get ice cream.

Another chestnut is “in two weeks.” Trump likes this one because it’s less vague than “soon” and sounds as if he honestly has a plan. Alas, that’s never true. Which makes me think Trump doesn’t know how to tell time or count the days of the week. This could explain the numerous  lawsuits by contractors he reportedly stiffed on various Manhattan building projects. Being told you’ll get paid “soon” with those folks would go over as well as a wheatgrass smoothie on Trump’s breakfast tray.

While presidents don’t always deliver on campaign promises in a timely manner, Trump takes dawdling to a level seldom seen. Five years ago, he promised to release his tax returns if he ran for president. Still waiting.

Now, he says he’s being audited (which most presidents are and it’s not a real problem) and he may release them after he leaves office. “I’m very proud of them, actually. I did a good job.”

What? Does he want a sticker?

And while Trump has executive ordered up some stimulus relief, there’s a curious swerve to eliminating a payroll tax which is concerning because of Social Security. Don’t worry, he says. Feel better? Yeah, Me neither.

Celia Rivenbark ordered chair socks and they are amazing. And, yes, I know how pathetic that sounds.

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