Are we honestly supposed to think it’s mere coincidence the Brood X cicadas have emerged after 17 years underground at the exact same time the original cast of “Friends” has emerged in public together after the same 17-year-absence?
Well, are we?
I mean, 17 years is a bit random, isn’t it? Not 10 or 20 but exactly 17 years. Look, I’m not saying Jen Aniston has anything in common with subterranean tunneling creatures that feed off root juices ingested from their weird built-in face straws but I’m not NOT saying it either. Work with me here.
The only thing we can say for sure is both the cicadas and HBO Max have some mighty hard-working publicists because, for the past month, it has been virtually impossible to read or watch any media without a reminder that for the first time in SEVENTEEN YEARS, noisy, oversexed creatures are going to be screeching loudly for a mate, eventually coupling with several and finally leaving their tiny, crunchy exoskeletons behind like a parting gift.
But enough about Courteney Cox.
Both the cast of “Friends” and the Brood X cicadas are set to burst onto the nation’s consciousness for the first time since 2004 at the exact same moment, which makes me wonder if we should expect more dormant-since-2004 phenomena to reappear? After all, it has been 17 years since Janet Jackson’s breast was famously exposed, however accidentally, by Justin Timberlake. Will he look her up and do it again? On second thought, that’s a bad idea; wifey’s quick to rile and the world doesn’t need another JT Apology Tour. All that contrition following the Britney Spears revelations took the sexy he brought back, punched it in the throat and draped it in a deeply unflattering housecoat.
Will Martha Stewart go to jail as she did 17 years ago for insider trading? Not likely. I’m pretty sure Martha’s biggest offense these days is endlessly bragging about how beautiful her farm peacocks are which is technically not a crime but probably should be.
Perhaps Paris Hilton should resurface long enough to remind us of her popular catch phrase of 17 years ago: “That’s hot!” which we can all agree, as catch phrases from 2004 go, pales in comparison to “Friend” Joey’s endearingly lecherous “How YOU doin’?” or “Friend” Chandler’s brainy, sarcastic “Could I BE any more…”
I haven’t had a single Brood X visit yet, but it shouldn’t be long because I live in one of the 12 states (plus the District of Columbia) that will see billions of cicadas emerging noisily from underground demanding to know if John Kerry won the presidency and if Rachel and Ross were really on a break.
There’s a lot to catch up on but they will only have time for, er, love. In fact, they eat almost nothing once they emerge, devoting all their time to furiously buzzing and gyrating in hopes of finding a mate. Speaking of which, good for you JLo.
Entomologists (motto: “STOP CALLING US ETYMOLOGISTS! IS IT REALLY THAT HARD?”) say cicadas spend their short 4-6 weeks of life above ground consumed with mating and barely eating. Cicadas, the scientists say, are part of a huge insect “superfamily.” Think of them as the insect version of the Duggars, without the creepy brother with the molestation charges and porn addiction. On second thought, never think of the Duggars again. Let us not feed that which should be starved.
Speaking of Matt LeBlanc…kidding! As the only member of the “Friends” cast with a dad bod, LeBlanc is built like an actual middle-aged man, not a rail-thin insect who only occasionally feeds through its weird built-in face straw. Good on him! I give the reunion two thumbs up. No word on the cicadas yet. I’ll let you know.