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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Taking DeJoy out of Christmas

U.S. Postmaster General Louis DeJoy

It’s wonderful news indeed the U.S. Postal Service will, once again, sponsor “Operation Santa,” in which children are encouraged to write Santa Claus and list all their hearts’ desires in great detail, place a stamp on the letter and address it to Santa, Elf Road, North Pole.

We wondered, “Yes, Virginia” style, if this would really work with Louis DeJoy at the helm still and so we asked him.

“Dear Mr. Postmaster General Louis DeJoy,

Is it really true that even though nothing else has gone right ever since you took over the U.S. Post Office that my letter to Santa will actually be delivered in time to Elf Road, North Pole?

Or will it arrive too late to meet the Operation Santa deadline and will it arrive in a weirdly mutilated envelope which, while not exactly open, is a bit grimy and not exactly closed either?

Mr. Postmaster Louis DeJoy, if my letter to Operation Santa doesn’t arrive in time, will I be forced to use language inappropriate for someone as young as myself and more befitting an adult whose presents, while delivered in time to the post office, arrived two weeks after Christmas last year?

Mr. Postmaster Louis DeJoy, I know you said that we should get used to you (!) but I am a little concerned. Your 10-year-plan will raise costs and lengthen delivery times, which doesn’t sound like much of  an improvement to me, although I’m just an 8-year-old girl named Virginia so what do I know? It does make me think for Santa to get my letter, maybe I should mail it to him, say, in July? Will that give you enough time, do you think?

Mr. Postmaster Louis DeJoy, I love your workers. They work very hard and are the bestest people I know. Also, they almost never do that thing at the front door all the other delivery people do. You know. Leaning the heaviest box imaginable against the door so you can’t even open it to get the package. Isn’t that crazy?

Mr. Postmaster Louis DeJoy, I know I’m young, but I don’t understand why you took away all that important mail-sorting equipment. Don’t we need MORE mail-sorting equipment? Is it true that, as some grownups say right after their bourbon of the month club box is delivered you are as “dumb as a box of hair”? I know that’s not a very nice thing to say. About hair.

I know you are a very busy and important man, but I hope you will make extra special sure that Operation Santa letters get to the North Pole on time!

I heard the grownups say you are getting rid of a lot of the planes that deliver mail and just use trucks. If this saves money, how come you said rates would be going up for mail being delivered a lot slower? Maybe I’m just too young to understand paying more for less.

You said you’d solve the problem of not meeting standards by “changing the standards” to something you could meet. Like instead of a letter taking 3 days, now it’s OK to take 5 days.

I think I will try this logic on my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Throckbottom. Maybe she will say: “Class, an A on a paper is hard. So from now on, we are going to make a D the very best grade you can get!” Little Johnny who sits behind me says this is the greatest news he’s had since his cousin showed him how to make fart noises with his armpit!

I guess I’ve taken enough of your time, Mr. Postmaster General Louis DeJoy. My mommie says to tell you she hopes you have the holiday season you truly deserve! Isn’t she nice?

Sincerely,

Not Virginia

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write to her at [email protected].

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