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Weekend humor (sort of) from Celia Rivenbark: Let the teachers teach!

The Scene: Interior of a sixth-grade public school classroom in Floriginia, USA.

Teacher: OK, class, today we are going to talk about the Civil Rights Movement.

Student: My mama says you can’t indoctorate me so I’m going to have to report you.

Teacher: “I think you meant to say “indoctrinate,” Billy, and I’m doing no such thing. This is a history class. You do want to learn history, don’t you?”

Billy: “My mama says I can have you fired for trying to teach things that make my ancestors look bad. She says you’re just part of the left wing Woke conspiracy mob.”

Teacher: No, that’s not true. I’m simply an overworked, extremely underpaid teacher trying to do my job which is to teach history.

Billy: My mama says the onliest history we need to know is that we are all Americans and we’re all the same.

Teacher: That’s very, uh, aspirational.

Billy: Did you just call my mama a bad word? Because she said thanks to the Governor, we might can sue you and even get us some bounty money for turning you in.

Teacher: No, the word was aspirational, which is like trying to reach a goal. Let’s all turn in our history books to Chapter 7. Now here we learn about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr….

Billy: Nononononono. We had that book tooken out of the library last week.

Teacher: Yes, I heard about that. Also Ruby Bridges. It’s a shame because these are powerful people with stories we all need to read.

Billy: Read? My daddy says books are what’s wrong with our country today. Too many books. He says there are whole entire buildings full of them and they are free. Just one more government giveaway.

Teacher: Your father is entitled to his opinion. And, in my opinion, it’s time to return to our studies. The year was 1964 and…

(sound of muffled crying from rear of classroom)

Teacher: Is someone crying? What’s wrong?

Susie: I’m crying because you’re making me hate my country and myself.

Teacher: Oh, no, Susie! That’s just not true.

Susie: It is too, true. You have a narrow and slanted obsession with historical mistakes that make children hate their country, each other and or themselves.”

Teacher: Susie, are you reading the mission statement from Moms For Liberty?

Susie: Yes, ma’am. P.S. All lives matter.

Teacher: Oh dear. Listen, class. Let’s all just settle down and move on with our lesson, OK?

Billy: You’re canceled, Ms. Frankenberry.

Teacher: Whaaat? You can’t cancel me. I’m your teacher!

All students: CANCELED! CANCELED! CANCELED!!

Principal: What’s going on in here? I could hear you all the way down the hall!

Teacher: They say I’m canceled because I am trying to teach the chapter about the Civil Rights Movement.

Principal: CANCELED! CANCELED! CANCELED!!!

Teacher: Not you, too! But I didn’t say diversity or make them do the privilege bingo game!

Principal: Sorry, Ms. Frankenberry. But ever since the governor installed that Critical Race Theory tip line, I’ve had to be extra careful. It’s time you teachers realized where your bread is buttered.

Teacher: At my other three jobs?

Principal: Wait. Is that a pride flag in the window?

Teacher: It’s a rainbow decal.

Principal: Are you out of your mind? We can’t endorse that kind of lifestyle. No discussions of gender are permitted in the classroom.

Teacher: It’s just a rainbow. I thought it was pretty. But what if a child wanted to talk about gender identification? Would that be so awful?

Random Local School Board Member: Oh, hello. I was just walking by hoping to catch a teacher committing education. Oh, my God. Ms. Frankenberry, are you … no, it can’t be…are you still wearing a MASK????!!!

Teacher: (sigh) I’ll pack my things…

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write her at [email protected]

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