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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Madison Cawthorn, boy blunder

When is someone going to report on the very worst thing about Madison Cawthorn?

The freshman congressman from Western North Carolina may lack the name recognition of Will “Bonecrusher” Smith, but to those of us who live in the Tar Heel state, he’s omnipresent as the aroma of chicken houses down east. (And, yes, it does smell like money to me.)

Cawthorn, all brash all the time, has been in the news a lot lately because of the ridiculous orgy-gate, in which he claimed to be recruited by elderly GOP types to participate in sex parties. We know they were GOP stalwarts because he said they were people he had “looked up to my whole life.”

While Cawthorn was drawing a generational divide (old v. young), he forgot that’s not how it works. You’re only allowed to make up lies about Democrats, women, minorities and the mainstream media, not your own party. What a dunderhead! This did not go over well with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy who took Cawthorn to the woodshed and emerged with the tight-lipped pronouncement the kid admitted he made it all up. McCarthy, sounding like a tent evangelist for the first time in his life, told Cawthorn it was time for him to turn his life around.

Amen.

No stranger to lying (Google the list of documented lies; I honestly don’t have the space here), the 26-year-old boy blunder doesn’t get the attention he should for the new, very worst thing about him: He hates older people. Look at what he just accused the “60 and 70 year old’s” in Congress of doing.

Constantly yammering about his role as the youthful face of a new Republicanism, Cawthorn never misses a chance to sneer at his elders. All that papery skin. Blech.

He wears his ball cap with the bill on the side! He knows what a “key bump” of cocaine is! He called Biden an “inept geriatric despot.” Just haaaaad to include “geriatric,” didn’t ya, Maddy?

He wants those of us on Social Security to get off the dole and get a freakin’ job. In fact, Cawthorn wants to reduce Social Security by about a third and he wants to “incentivize people to work and get off entitlement programs like Social Security.” Hey, Junior. It’s called entitlement because I’m entitled to it on account of I paid into it for decades.

Cawthorn’s noisy contempt for older Americans is extraordinary—and extraordinarily stupid—when you consider the demographic of his blue-collar district—retired Republicans who don’t like being told they are layabouts after working 40 plus years in the furniture factory. Who can forget him cockily running against a 62-year-old retired Air Force Colonel who ran against him in 2020? Why you little…

Cawthorn’s constant nibbling on the hands that feed him is part of the reason he is facing SEVEN challengers in the primary May 17. He’s so bad at his job, seven Republicans are lined up to take him down. Good on ‘em.

It won’t be easy to get rid of the whippersnapper. Cawthorn’s got plenty of campaign money to counter the whole embarrassing non-orgy thing. Truth is, he’s made no secret that he would much prefer to represent a younger, hipper crowd. But of course.

When there was talk of redistricting in a way that would’ve effectively eliminated Cawthorn’s current corner of the west, he giddily pivoted to Charlotte. There are young people in them thar high rises—20 somethings with tech jobs and season tickets to the new pro soccer franchise.

In the end, the Charlotte-area redistricting favored Democrats, so he slunk home, not nearly as contrite as he should’ve been. Older folks know the most important lesson of all: “Dance with the one that brung ya.”

Maddy, you should heed that. Bruh.

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write to her at [email protected].

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