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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Amazon healthcare — the drone will see you now

“Good morning, Mr. uhhhhh, Broncossuck83! Please sign in with your password and take a seat. The doctor will be right with you.”

“Shouldn’t you use my real name? I mean, I know Amazon bought my doctor’s practice and nearly 200 others in large cities across the country, but I don’t feel right about using my login. Is that even legal?”

“Of course it is. In Bezos we trust. Now please take a seat. Hmmmm. I see you ordered Keurig’s Smoky Mountain Costa Rican blend 36 days ago. Would you like to have a cup of that while you wait?

“Oh! Well, sure. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all!”

“Coming right up. You should probably sit on that nice comfy sofa, though. It says here you have been ordering hemorrhoid crème–oh, my—the 5-tube pack, for the past six months. Is that why you’re here today?”

“What?! That’s none of your business. I was afraid something like this would happen when you people bought One Medical.”

“If you liked the Costa Rican blend, here are some suggestions for other coffees you might like based on your profile…”

“What? No! I’m here for my … uh, something else! I don’t want to talk about my coffee orders. I swear, this is why people hate Amazon. You people are too invasive. I’m frankly terrified you now will have access to personal health information on 767,000 patients, practically overnight and we have zero say in the matter! Ever heard of HIPAA?”

“I’m sorry. I’m unable to respond to that request at this time.”

“Are you ALEXA????”

“I see that you ordered Pet Armor Advanced 2 Flea medicine on January 6, 2022. Would you like to place another order?”

“No! May I remind you I’m here for a medical appointment with my physician?!”

“Of course. While you wait, please enjoy streaming the wildly popular new Amazon series, “The Summer I Turned Pretty.”

“What? No! Do I look like a 17- year-old girl???”

“Well, based on your viewing profile…”

“Stop it! When will the doctor see me?”

“The doctor should arrive by 5 p.m. Thursday. He will meet you on the front doorstep or, if you prefer, another location such as the rear door. You may also meet at a trusted neighbor’s house if you prefer.”

“It’s Tuesday!”

“Hmmm. Yes. There is a delay. Did you join Doctorcrap Prime? It’s only an additional $139 per year.”

“Now this is exactly what I was afraid of. You say things will cost one amount but if you really want any of the advantages you have to pay another yearly cost. It’s just like when I order a book…”

“I’m sorry, what are books?”

“What? It’s what got you started. Selling books.”

“Oh, that’s so quaint!  What a thought. Our 10th generation Kindle Paperwhite reader allows you to…”

“Oh, just forget it!”

“Sir?”

“Yes, Alexa or whoever you are?”

“Could you please turn around and not look at me for a minute?”

“What? Why?”

“I have to use the bathroom and we can’t take breaks. Can you just hand me that large Solo cup? It’s the lone 16-ounce cup sitting inside several very large nesting cardboard boxes for no apparent reason. You can’t miss it.”

“I’ve heard Amazon employees are treated poorly but I didn’t realize how bad it was. I’m sorry I was abrupt with you earlier.”

“It’s OK. I’m used to it. How would you rate this exchange? Please rate using 1 to 5 stars with 5 being the highest level of customer satisfaction.”

“Well…”

“Never mind! Your doctor is coming now.”

“Good. Wait! Is that a drone? Keep that thing away from me!”

“It’s OK. He rarely hits his target. He’s examining a random woman walking her dog right now. Hey! Where are you going?”

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write her at [email protected].

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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Amazon healthcare — the drone will see you now