Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Civil War II?

Gentle Reader: The following, inspired by Union soldier Sullivan Ballou’s famous “Civil War Letter to His Wife” should be read with wistfully sweet violins playing in the background, a la Ken Burns’ epic documentary. This updated epistle is inspired by a recent poll showing more than half of Trump-supporting Republicans believe a civil war will take place within the next decade.…

July 14, 2025 (ish)

Camp Clark, Washington (if that’s still a thing)

My very dear Sarah…

I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage doesn’t halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us…I’m willing to lay down all my joys in this life to help maintain this government and pay that debt…

OK, real talk now Sarah. These guys on the other side? They’re seriously wackadoodle. Honestly, when they said a few years back America would be in a civil war, I thought they were kidding. Remember the guy wearing the Viking helmet and no shirt that stormed the Capitol that time? Dude. He is like Mensa material compared to what we’re seeing out here on the “battlefield.”

OMG, Sarah. The one thing I can tell you is our side should’ve invested in food like these clowns. Last night, we crept up the ridge and watched them pry open a 50-gallon drum labeled PATRIOT STEW. What even IS that? And they have these huge yellow flags with snakes on them everywhere. Don’t tread on me? My new friend, Trevor, made us laugh when he was all “Dude. Go do some yoga. Calm the freak down!” I mean maybe you had to be there.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables…and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind…

Whew. Speaking of a strong wind that PATRIOT STEW is producing wicked amounts of methane. Good thing we all drive hybrids. Kinda balances things out IMHO.

Sarah, this shouldn’t have happened. I miss the good old days when all we did was exchange some serious side-eye at the traffic light because we hated each other’s bumper stickers. I honestly thought they were joking when they acted like education, responsible gun ownership and preserving democracy were bad things. Go figure!

…If I do not return, dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name…I shall always be near you, in the gladdest days and darkest nights, always, always and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath…

OK, Sarah. That was kinda cringe. I knew it when I wrote it. My bad. Obviously, I won’t be around blowing dead-person air on your face because you don’t even sleep with a fan. You’d absolutely hate that.

If I’m being honest, I do feel a kinship with the soldiers who fought for the preservation of democracy before us. Sure, they didn’t do it camped out in an abandoned TJ Maxx in NoVa like us, but I get all Band of Brothers-y every time I think about it.

How did we get here, Sarah? A civil war???? It didn’t happen overnight. I mean one day you’re pushing your dog in a stroller and the next some meth head is screeching at you about the Deep State like it’s his JOB.

Gotta go. One of the guys has been fermenting some cabbage and we’re all trying to act supportive.

Love, Sully

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write to her at [email protected].

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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Civil War II?