Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: A few books not to give this Christmas

While I love to give books as holiday gifts, I have a new rule, as Bill Maher might say and it’s this: I will never buy a book written by someone who served in the Trump administration and NOW wants to talk about how awful and destructive he was. For $28.95 plus tax.

Instead of meekly slithering away to live a life of penance on a rutabaga farm, these opportunistic clowns can’t shut up about the horrors of working for 45. They get plenty of airtime to promote their books because, let’s face it, love him or hate him, Trump is the car wreck few can pass without a quick peek to see if he’s sitting on the crumpled hood waiting for AAA while snacking on classified documents. Trump equals ratings, the end.

Unlike those loud, ill-informed parents who think keeping “The Diary of a Young Girl” by Anne Frank in the middle school library is going to corrupt their lil darlins by giving them, I dunno, EMPATHY, I don’t want these dreadful books banned. But why line the coffers of demonstrably awful people when there are so many great books out there? Don’t give Michael Cohen one cent just because he’s spilling Trump tea on the regular at MSNBC. Cohen puts the con in conniving. He’s no trusted source. The rutabaga farm beckons.

To sell books, we are told there will be “shocking revelations” and “bombshell tell-all’s.” Like what?

Depending on degree of loathsomeness, it might include…

He was dismissive of them and sometimes outright mean!

He was known to throw things when unhappy!

He made fun of my weight

He said his wife was way hotter

He eats with his feet!

Well, maybe not that last. But they can’t SHUT UP about what a rotten time they had working for Trump. He didn’t let them do their jobs. He really did eat with his feet. OK, again not true but man, that sentence is fun to write!

Perhaps they should’ve listened when Trump frequently shared the story of the scorpion and the frog. He managed to mangle it beyond all recognition most of the time, but you could get the gist of it.

In the famous fable, the scorpion cons the frog into letting him ride on his back to safely get to the other side of the pond. Yadda, yadda, yadda, the frog finally agrees (though his gut tells him scorpions can’t be trusted) and guess what, the scorpion hauls off and stings the frog whose last words are something like “Hey, why’d you do that?” and the scorpion says, “Duh, I’m a scorpion.” Trump tells this story at rallies, which I find funny considering he’s clearly the scorpion in the fable and doesn’t seem to understand that’s the bad guy!

Bottom line: These whiners are all frogs with ghostwriters of varying competence and NOW they want to slam the “scorpion” for being true to his own nature. All y’all say “Waaaaahhhhh.”

I shouldn’t name names, but I will, just in case you’re standing at that Costco book display and can’t imagine former Attorney General Bill Barr would ever tell a lie. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Following other “tell all” former staffers who loved Trump waaaay more than country—Stephanie Grisham, Mark Meadows, John Bolton, Mike Esper, among others–Barr is on a book tour teasing a ton of salacious revelations. Funny enough, during a Sunday morning show he admitted that despite all the terrible things he saw during Trump’s tenure, he’d vote for him again. But of course.

These books, not unlike Trump himself, recall the shameless hucksters at medicine shows in the Old West.

“Hear the true tale of how the scorpion gets his pants steamed WHILE HE’S WEARING THEM!”

Don’t support these biggest losers. They were quiet when it mattered. And it mattered a lot.

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write her at [email protected].

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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: A few books not to give this Christmas