Your new Congress: Owning the libs, no matter the cost

By
November 28, 2022
In Commentary

Kevin McCarthy, possibly the next U.S. House Speaker, is shown during a 2019 news conference. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

Are you excited about the 118th Congress? If not, you’re a communist.

True, the U.S. Senate is still in the hands of the godless Democrats who want to destroy America, but the House of Representatives now belongs to Republicans, the party of God, AK-47s, F-150s (and not the electric kind, either), manliness, Merry Christmas, and our lord and savior Donald Trump.

(Unless Ron DeSantis looks more electable, of course).

Kevin McCarthy will probably be House Speaker, taking over from the She-Devil of San Francisco. It’s not a guaran-damn-tee, mind. The man messed up when he said President Trump should “accept his share of responsibility” for that normal tourist visit to the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, and some of us in MAGA-world were not real happy.

Come on, what responsibility? Everyone knows that mixed in with normal tourists carrying Confederate battle flags and accidentally beating police officers were a bunch of Black Lives Matter radicals wearing whiteface.

However, Mr. McCarthy has since mended his ways, going down to Mar-a-Lago and prostrating himself before our Real President on one of those priceless all-acrylic carpets festooned with classified documents.

Come January, he’s going to do the right things, the very, very right things, including investigate “Dr.” Anthony Fauci. Even though Fauci will be 82 and retired by then, the man needs to be held accountable for secretly creating the COVID virus with the Red Chinese, Bill Gates, George Soros, and the makers of “Game of Thrones” to control us via our precious bodily fluids.

While they’re at it, the House will also investigate the FBI for not liking Donald Trump, though they haven’t quite figured out who will investigate people who usually do the investigating. Doesn’t matter: Rep. Wrasslin’ Jim “Take it like a Man” Jordan, soon to be chair of the House Judiciary Committee, will figure something out. Maybe Ron DeSantis’ Election Kriminalpolizei can help.

They’ll investigate Ukraine and that weirdo president of theirs who disrespected the United States by not wearing a suit in his Kyiv bunker to address Congress.

Anyway, why doesn’t Zelensky like that nice Mr. Putin? Doesn’t he support Christian nationalism? Read more

Florida is turning its back on the New South, embracing its Dixie-fied past

By
November 23, 2022
In Commentary

A Confederate memorial stands on the lawn in front of the Florida Historic Capitol building on April 27, 2022. Photo: Danielle J. Brown

Florida was once a New South state.

From the early 1960s to 2000 or so, Florida had leaders who looked to the future, determined to leave Jim Crow behind and separate ourselves from the likes of Alabama. We had governors committed to equal justice, open government, and voting rights — however imperfectly achieved.

No more. With the reelection of Ron DeSantis, and ultra-conservative victories in gerrymandered congressional districts across the state, Florida is sliding back into the mire of its Old South past.

Now, before y’all start yelping about how Florida isn’t really Southern, let me just remind you: Florida was third to secede in 1861, after South Carolina and Mississippi. North Florida was plantation country.

We can pretend that history doesn’t matter, but our justice system — much of it a relic of when white people were terrified that ex-slaves might wreak revenge on them — and laws like “Stand Your Ground” allow us to kill or incarcerate a disproportionate number of Black people. The way Florida’s ruling Republicans try to ban ideas they don’t like and encourage an absurd sense of white victimhood is more Mississippi than Minnesota.

You don’t have to like grits and sweet tea to behave like a member of the Pork Chop Gang.

As for DeSantis, he’s George Wallace with a Harvard Law degree and a talent for plausible deniability.

This isn’t a surprise. DeSantis didn’t really try very hard to disguise his racism when he ran for governor in 2018. He’d appeared at white nationalist conferences alongside the likes of David Horowitz and Steve Bannon.

DeSantis insisted he didn’t know those guys were racists; I mean, come on: “How the hell am I supposed to know every single statement someone makes?”

Perhaps someone could tell him about Google. Read more

FL’s U.S. senators fight phantom communists, Gestapo as the world burns

By
August 18, 2022
In Commentary

Fidel Castro and his men in the Sierra Maestra, Dec. 6, 1956, To hear Republicans tell it, America is on the verge. Credit: Wikipedia; public domain.

It’s been a while since we checked in with Florida’s two brilliant and attractive U.S. senators, Rick Scott and Marco Rubio.

First of all, they are both very upset about that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad FBI attack on Mar-A-Lago which happened for no reason other than the president took some boxes of paper with him from the White House and maybe flushed a few shredded documents down the can.

Oh, come on: Who hasn’t?

Sen. Scott said it was like the Gestapo, and it was — never mind the part about how the FBI had to present evidence and get a judge to sign off on the search warrant.

Merrick Garland better watch out: Rick Scott (he was in the Navy, you know) is gunning for him and if the Rs retake the Senate in November, Garland will be impeached and the liberal left-wing FBI disbanded and replaced with cops from Uvalde, Minneapolis, and Polk County, Fla.

Sen. Rubio was pretty cheesed off that the FBI didn’t call him before they went in, since he’s a terribly important person. He let it be known that having black-clad dudes in Oakleys rifling through Melania’s lingerie drawer means that We-the-People are no longer free.

In fact, the U.S. is now pretty much the same as Russia or Nicaragua, and what about Hunter Biden’s laptop, huh?

Marco then hit ’em with this: “Using government power to persecute political opponents is something we have seen many times from 3rd world Marxist dictatorships. But never before in America.”

Hell, no! We don’t do that kind of thing, except for that time in 1972 when Richard Nixon had his operatives break into the Democratic National Headquarters or that time right before the presidential election in 2016 when Director James Comey announced the FBI was investigating Hillary Clinton’s emails.

Sen. Rick Scott

Sen. Marco Rubio

But our two upper-chamber gents aren’t merely lobbing charges of Banana Republicanism at Democrats. At the recent CPAC meeting, Rick Scott gave a rootin’ tootin’ slap-your-dog-and-arrest-your-undocumented-mama speech warning, “The militant Left has now taken control of our economy, our culture, and our country.”

You know he’s right: The hedge fund managers, Silicon Valley billionaires, Wall Street bankers, energy giants, and Big Pharma bigwigs have gone socialist, redistributing America’s wealth into their offshore bank accounts, while Hollywood perverts make Star Wars movies starring black people when everyone knows outer space is Caucasian.

‘Narrow-minded intolerant’

As Sen. Scott reminds us, the libs are the “most narrow-minded intolerant people our country has ever seen.” He wants to protect Americans from their narrow-minded views that slavery was bad and climate change is real. You notice they never present the other side: It still snows and the slaves would sing in the cotton fields, happy as can be. Read more

The impending miseducation of Florida’s schoolchildren

By
July 26, 2022
In Commentary, Education

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis – Screenshot, KXAN News.

As a great president once asked, “Is our children learning?”

Well, is they? It don’t look good, what with government schools forcing them to become communists, hate America, and vote wrong.

But never fear: Florida’s governor’s fixed that mess with new rules stopping those union-loving, Toni Morrison-reading, evolution-accepting, comfortable shoe-wearing, foreign movie-watching, gay-coddling teachers indoctrinating our precious babies into wokery.

Ron DeSantis wants the young ’uns educated with no unfair criticism of the Greatest Country that Ever Was. To that end, he’s bringing in a curriculum from Hillsdale College, a righteous institution where they love the Lord, the flag, and capitalism — not necessarily in that order.

Teachers are the problem. As Hillsdale president Dr. Larry Arnn says, they’re “trained in the dumbest part of the dumbest colleges in the country.”

If teachers were smart, they’d have majored in business and made real money instead of going into a loser profession that pays, what, 58K max?

But like a lot of so-called “progressives,” they’re into “ideals.” They want to talk about “tolerance” and “caring” and “inequality” when they should be making sure that boys don’t go into the girls’ restroom which, as everybody knows, will destroy civilization.

Librarians aren’t helping: Pornographic material such as “Maus” (shows breasts), “Are You There, God? It’s Me Margaret” (bras, menstruation), “Slaughterhouse Five” (profanity, lack of patriotism) and the “Complete Works of William Shakespeare” (teen sex, paganism, cross-dressing) sit openly on the shelves of school libraries waiting to corrupt impressionable 16-year-olds.

History lessons

Ron DeSantis, Larry Arnn, and Moms For Liberty will ensure our children study how Christopher Columbus discovered Miami, the Pilgrims fled religious oppression by the Sheriff of Nottingham, and the Indians gave those Pilgrims the best land, then cooked turkey dinners for them. Sure, a bunch of Indians got killed when we wanted some more land, but it was their own fault for not inventing guns.

Then, during the Revolution, Americans like Mel Gibson rebelled against the evil King George the Three because they didn’t want to pay taxes and wear wigs.

As for slavery, it’s over. Calm down, libs. Yes, the Founding Fathers owned some, but they loved those slaves like family! Mount Vernon overseers only whipped slaves over really bad behavior, like when Charlotte, a seamstress, was “impudent.” George Washington said whipping her with a hickory switch was “very proper.” Otherwise, the slaves had lots of outdoor fun in the cotton fields and sang a lot.

Children should also learn that the Father of Our Country was really hurt when 17 of his slaves ran away and joined the Redcoats during the Revolutionary War.

Just because the British freed them.

There’ll be a test

So, for all you God-fearing, teacher-hamstringing, decent opposite-gender parents out there, here’s the kind of patriotic curriculum Ron DeSantis and Hillsdale will soon be bringing to a home room near you.

Third Grade Social Studies Discussion Questions:

Why does God like America best?Why are Chloe’s two dads going to hell?Should girls be allowed to vote?

Sixth Grade Civil Rights History Discussion Questions:

Why couldn’t Rosa Parks just get up and let that white guy sit down? He was probably more tired than she was.Martin Luther King was a nice Black man who was not mad at white people. Would he have wanted you to keep talking about race when it’s so upsetting to your parents?How did Malcolm X, Angela Davis, Jesse Jackson, Janet Jackson, John Lewis, LeBron James, Tupac Shakur, Colin Kaepernick, Kamala Harris, Barack Obama, Beyoncé, and George Floyd ruin the Civil Rights Movement by calling attention to their being Black all the damn time? Like, give it a rest.

Seventh Grade Math (now free of CRT!):

True or False: 1+1= 3.

Answer: True. One mommy plus one daddy makes one baby which equals three, though baby > mommy.

True or False: If x=2 and y=6 and you subtract y from x, you get -4.

Answer: False! There’s no such thing as a negative number. Math professors at liberal elite colleges made that up.

If Kayleigh has two five dollar bills and Kevin has twelve quarters, which one has enough to buy a $9.50 ticket to see Dinesh D’Souza’s all-American movie “2000 Mules” about how libs stole the 2020 election?

Answer: Kevin is a loser. He only has four dollars, so he needs to work harder at his two after-school jobs. He shouldn’t expect the government to bail him out.

Tenth Grade Civics Research Paper Topics:

Voting is a privilege, not a right. Discuss. And don’t you think literacy tests, land ownership, and poll taxes were kind of a good idea?How would you integrate Biblical precepts into American law? Should we ban shrimp? And do you agree that, as in Exodus 21:7, it’s OK to sell your daughter into slavery?Given that Jewish space lasers, Italian satellites, and dead Venezuelans can mess with our ballots, should America stop having these messy elections once President DeSantis gets to the White House?

Parents, you are now in charge! And when the governor runs all those lib teachers out of Florida, you can take over the schools.

As that godly man from Hillsdale says: “Here’s a key thing we are going to try to do. We’re going to try to demonstrate that you don’t have to be an expert to educate a child. Because basically anybody can do it.”

Diane Roberts is a regular contributor to the Florida Phoenix, which first published this essay.

 

As the nation’s body count continues to mount, the NRA and its acolytes party on

By
May 31, 2022
In Commentary

People visit a makeshift memorial outside of Tops market on May 15, 2022 in Buffalo, New York. A gunman opened fire at the store yesterday killing ten people and wounding another three. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

Despite what the braying anti-Roe Right wants you to think, America is not pro-life.

This country is pro-death.

Fetuses and firearms: that’s what makes America America — that and the ability of an 18 year-old to buy military grade weapons.

At least 21 shot dead in Uvalde, Texas; 10 shot dead in Buffalo, N.Y.; a total so far of 69 killed and 260 injured in mass shootings since May 1.

Republicans offer the usual “thoughts and prayers” — thoughts that there’s no way in hell they’ll countenance any restrictions on gun ownership and prayers that the NRA doesn’t lose its status as a tax-exempt “charitable” organization.

They’d hate to lose those rabid gun voters and those sweet campaign contributions.

Besides, protecting the Second Amendment matters more than protecting people who obstinately stray into the path of bullets. Nineteen dead kids apparently are an acceptable sacrifice on the altar of gun worship.

In the theology of heat-packing, God gives Americans the right to buy any gun they like, carry it without a permit or any training (as is the law in Texas), keep it loaded lying around in the house, and brandish it anywhere at any time for any reason.

I can’t seem to find this in scripture, but perhaps the barrel-polishers have received a revelation unavailable to the rest of us.

Nothing we can do?

The Uvalde children, the Sandy Hook children, the Black folks who died at the Tops grocery store, the high school kids who died at Columbine, Oxford Township, and Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, the worshippers at the Tree of Life synagogue and Emmanuel AME church — that’s sad, but there’s nothing we can do, right?

Or, as the May 25 Onion headlined all 21 of its stories: “‘No Way to Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens.”

President Joe Biden, who knows the anguish of having to bury your own kid, said: “To lose a child is like having a piece of your soul ripped away. There’s a hollowness in your chest, and you feel like you’re being sucked into it and never going to be able to get out.”

Biden then asked an essential question: “What in God’s name do you need an assault weapon for except to kill someone? Deer aren’t running through the forest with Kevlar vests on, for God’s sake.” Read more

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